Dear Miss Jones,

I have gotten myself into a real mess. I had a girlfriend for about a year and then I could see it wasn’t going anywhere, plus I was moving away to college, so I broke up with her. A couple of years went by and we hardly spoke then she moved up here to school too. I tried avoiding her and even ignored a couple of her calls but she eventually found me. I thought it would be best just to talk to her in person and explain that I didn’t want to start another relationship with her again, because she is my friend and I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. That was the point I let the pubescent boy inside me do the thinking for me and my explanation deteriorated from not dating to not dating exclusively. One thing led to another and eventually we wound up making out. Now she’s always calling me, and when I don’t talk to her she gets upset. I see her so much I hardly have time to date anyone else and when I have she has tried to spy on me. She also keeps talking about getting married even though I’ve repeatedly told her it was out of the question. I really don’t want to hurt her feelings but I’m afraid that if I am too nice she’ll keep trying to get back together and even start stalking me. I don’t know what to do. Please help!

Sincerely, Conflicted.

Dear Conflicted,

You have gotten yourself into a little mess, but the mess is very manageable as long at it’s taken care of in a timely manner. Women are sensitive creatures, I would know. Take this for example: Just yesterday as I was checking my e-mail so I could choose a question for this column, a young woman sent me a complaint about last weeks response to that poor young Second Choice Roommate. I used the word hussy to refer to the young lady who gave eye signals to one soccer player and then asked another to be friends on Facebook. The word hussy offended this individual enough for her to send me a lengthy message asking me to choose my words more carefully. While I appreciate her thoughts and time, I believe that our definitions of hussy are simply different. When I was in high school (before many of your parents were born) I was known as quite the hussy myself. A hussy was simply a desirable girl whom many guys wanted to take to First Dam to watch the submarine races with. But because of the female trait of sensitivity being so acute, the first thing this concerned lady thought was that I was calling the girl “immoral or lewd.”

Now, the situation you put yourself in is quite a predicament. There’s no doubt about that but it’s important to remember that it was you who put yourself in this mess. While the young lady may be slightly creepy and stalkerish, it was you that allowed her to think there was a chance of something happening with you again. That fateful night where you allowed your testosterone to do your thinking reconfirmed a spark within her. This is important because, where as before I may have just advised you to change your number and dye your hair, now you have a responsibility to make things right. You don’t want to be the kind of guy who would impregnate a girl and leave because you don’t have to carry the baby. Look at this in the same way, by kissing her you sent a little sperm of thought that impregnated her brain into thinking you still had feelings for her. This is what you should do: Go to her apartment with a box of tissues, and at least one pint of chocolate ice cream, and kindly tell her that you made a mistake by kissing her and explain that the year-long relationship was a wonderful experience for you but you know, without a shadow of a doubt, that the two of you are not made for each other. You then hand her the ice cream and kindly offer her the tissues before walking out with your shoulders square and your head high and don’t look back. If you run in to her on campus, be a gentleman, show a friendly smile, but whatever you do, don’t make out with her again.

Good luck and remember: “With as many times as Miss Jones has been around the block, her directions must be good.”

E-mail your questions to be answered by Ms. Jones to statesman.miss.jones@gmail.com