Dear Miss Jones,

It was only six sunsets ago my eyes rested upon a gorgeous wiley temptress at the USU men’s club soccer tryout. I was just awe struck by her beauty, but did not have the balls or time to talk to her because I was there to play soccer. She stayed and watched the tryouts that day and even came back the next day. I really wanted to spit my charm at her but just couldn’t find the right moment ... then it was too late and she was gone. The dilemma I have is the next day (last Friday) the wily temptress decided to add my roommate on Facebook. This just took a knife and stabbed it into my heart. My roommate is an awesome guy, but the only problem is he cannot take advantage of this gorgeous woman who has presented herself to him due to the fact he already has a gorgeously-awesome-cool girlfriend already, who lives right next door! Ha, but I just need some straight up hard advice on what I should do. I could just be the Facebook stalker and add her through my roommates page but I’m just not that desperate, even though I do have a huge crush on this girl! PLEASE, PLEASE Miss Jones help!

Sincerely,

Distraught Mediocrity Handsome, Second Choice Roommate.

Dear Second Choice, You’re giving me quite a challenge for my second week only on the column, but don’t fret honey, nothing is too challenging for Miss Jones.

Your situation is special for a couple different reasons. First, you need to be somewhat sensitive because your roommate is involved and since it’s just the beginning of the semester it would be miserable to live with a rift between you two. Second, you have to turn from the alternative choice into the primary target, which can be tough.

Before we speculate let’s start with the facts: Soccer tryouts and practices take place behind the freshmen dorms; if this young hussy came to both sessions of tryouts there are only two reasonable explanations: she’s a freshman coming out to watch because she lives right there and it’s convenient, or she’s coming out to watch because she has a friend (boyfriend?) that was trying out. Now the way I see it, both of these options are good for you. If she’s a freshman living in the dorms she will surely come out to watch practice again. We’ll eliminate the boyfriend idea for argument sake, which means she came with a friend. If the friend made the team you have an automatic in. If not then at least you know she likes to watch soccer and can hope she’ll stop by again.

Now let’s get into the tricky stuff. So you saw this Siren sitting in the distance and assumed she was undressing you with her eyes, now it seems as if she may have been checking out your already marked roommate. Hopefully by now she saw on his spacebook that he is in a relationship so she may move on to the next best choice. YOU!

Personally, I’m more of an old fashion kind of lover, so this is what I think you gotta do: next time she’s at your soccer practice warm-up kicking the ball with someone – now this is important – warm up so your back is facing her, after a few good punts and blocks from you, let the ball go past you. On the pretense of getting the ball, jog close to her and give her a little smile. If you feel the smile is well received then on the way back stop and give her a witty remark like, “Oh man, he really sucks at kicking balls.” A remark like that will show her that you’re intelligent, quick witted and totally ready for a relationship.

Good luck and remember: “With as many times as Miss. Jones has been around the block her directions must be good.”

E-mail questions for Miss. Jones to statesman.miss.jones@gmail.com