Thornton Melon is a character in the 1986 film “Back to School.” Played by the immortal Rodney Dangerfield, Melon is a successful businessman in his 50s who decides to motivate his son to finish college by enrolling in the same school. The plot is insignificant. The film was only a vehicle for Dangerfield to spout off his hilarious one liners. And they are damn funny. The film has cameos by Sam Kinison and Danny Elfman – with his old band Oingo Boingo – as well as a very young Robert Downey Jr., who sports blue hair throughout the film.
Melon takes nothing seriously. For Melon, college is a big party and he is by far less mature than some students more than half his age. I empathize with this. Sometimes forgetting that I am creeping up on age 40, I find myself, many times, acting more goofy than my classmates – many of who were not born when Thornton Melon was cracking jokes in movie theaters across America. I try to tell myself that this is not sad or pathetic. I say over and over in my head that I just like being the joker in a room. This stratagem works about as good as me wearing dark shirts to hide my protruding girth.
A newer but much more complex character is Pierce Hawthorne. This character, played by Chevy Chase, debuted last month on the laugh-out-loud funny NBC sitcom “Community.” A self-described “moist towelette tycoon,” Hawthorne is another 50-ish man who is one of seven community college students that meet in a Spanish 101 study group – though they never actually study. Hawthorne always seems to say inappropriate things during serious moments. He is uncouth but ignorant of how awkward he is. This pretty much is my existence in Logan. To me, being blunt and saying outrageous things is just a way to pepper a conversation. After five years in this town, there are people who still drop their jaw in exasperation when I firebomb a chitchat with something that you normally would not hear in mixed company. When it comes to me saying something scurrilous, it is not a matter of if but when.
As your humble columnist, connecting myself to these characters creates a problem for me. The title of my column is “Unconventional Wisdom.” Currently, I have a boat load of unconventional and only a morsel of wisdom. It is hard for me to share my sagacity with all of you when so little of it is based on success. Melon and Hawthorne are old and loutish, but they did something with their lives. Is the crux of my semester-long argument going to be “do as I say, not as I do?”
I pondered this question all week. What exactly can I as a re-entry student offer my younger Aggies to help them? I came up with three things.
First, stay in shape. Twenty-five years and 40 pounds ago, I could eat two cheesesteaks and a stromboli for lunch and not gain any weight. Then I went from a size 38 waist to a 46 in the blink of a Thanksgiving dinner. I am still physically active. I walk many miles, swim and play racquetball. The main problem now is that after these activities, especially racquetball, I collapse on the floor with crooked legs that resemble a deer that just got hit by a Ford Explorer. It shouldn’t be a pre-requisite for my racquetball partner to know CPR. This is a particular problem for me with my Shakespeare class. Three days a week I have to lug a cinder block that passes for the complete works of the Bard around campus. No one should be out of breath walking to an English class. Get in shape, stay in shape or face a life in which you profusely sweat in 50-degree weather.
Next, appreciate school. Honestly, is writing an essay on a subject you hate the worst thing you have to do this week? I worked when I got out of high school. Never really thought college mattered. I took a few classes at a community college during the ‘90s. After two semesters, I considered it a burden. Now, a few short weeks from graduation I can testify that being a college student was something I should have done two decades ago. We are the privileged ones. We sit in classrooms and debate. This is like stealing. Savor it.
My last piece of advice? Watch “Back To School” and “Community” and laugh hysterically. Old people attending college is funny. I laugh at myself every day.
Harry Caines is a senior re-entry student majoring in interdisciplinary studies from Philadelphia. Unconventional Wisdom will appear every Monday . Comments can be left at www.aggietownsquare.com or sent to chiefsalsa@yahoo.com